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Hategrief

by Lycopene

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1.
() 01:19
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It’s a small black clot of decay and twisted metal Asymmetric rapine of your heart It’s in the stillborn angels coagulated put down In the womb of the one they trust It’s a tall, dark cross in the shape of a hope Playing the role of a loaded gun It’s in the hands that built it and the hands nailed to it And the hand that you were dealt turn one It’s a God in tears as he watches his children “They were supposed to be just like me” It’s being everything you want, but still never enough With vicious hate in your heart think of the one you Pull it through Only one way to move on Pull it through Only one way to cope without passing it on After that knife was stabbed You can’t take it back After that arrow struck true No giving it back to you, so I Pull it through I Pull it through I Pull it through I
2.
Silver Arrow 02:23
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Pull it through Pull it through An arrow straight through my heart I pull it out the other end Pull it through I’ve only got so much blood to bleed And I need it for me Feel the metal tear through my organs Feel the fletching flaying the flesh behind Feel it stick fast tied up in sinew With my nails I bore inside and pull it through Feel a rotting hole within me An empty space that is wider than the sky Fill it up with searing hatred Cauterize my heart; I refuse to die I’ve only heard it once I’ve only heard it from one Then you take it away Then you take it away I’ve only heard it once I’ve only heard it from one And you regretted it The moment that you saw in me in pain The moment that you saw me in pain The moment you saw me suffering You knew the wound was by your hand You’d rather bury the body Then face me and repent But I’m not dead yet Through inconceivable hatred I clawed my way back to the surface Leaving gallons of blood behind And so much you could never know And I’m not dead yet So shoot me again, shoot me again I can take it You saw me crawling, disassemble me Beyond repair Rip out my jaw so I cannot speak Rip out my heart so I cannot hope Rip out my limbs so I cannot run Shutting down the only way I can cope
3.
Burden 01:38
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4.
Why 02:00
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Why are you hurting me? I thought I was your friend I believed in you Finally trusted you I thought that I could let my guard down around you And say I loved you… I loved you Shatters, everything shatters and I’m holding broken glass Struggling not to drop all the pieces Doing everything I can to not succumb to the pain And you have the nerve to ask me why I’m bleeding Tear me down – make me ashamed to feel Take it back – Leave me with nothing Should have known – It was my fault for trusting… Fall alone – My fault for trusting all of myself to you I loved you more Trusted you more And felt more secure With you Than anyone I’ve ever known You shredded all those things so I can never feel them again Opened up – Walls that had been closed for years Shivering child - But the love outweighed the burden of fear Beating heart – I pulled back all my ribs because I needed to feel to love… I was so vulnerable So vulnerable… But I did it for you… All for you… I only wanted to love I only wanted happiness I only wanted to feel safe I only wanted us to rise from a foundation built on understanding and communication I laid out everything – heart on the line, I tried, so you would know all the weakness that I bring with me And you saw me and you didn’t turn away and I was happy… For a moment too soon
5.
Screaming Inside 01:57
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Try to find A meaning moving forward with my life But my brain is screaming inside Cannot forget the pain it eats away at my every waking thought Now I find This plague infected every corner of my mind It has me Screaming inside Imprisoned in the never-ending parade of my memories Running to the shadows of my mind Trying to find a place That you do not occupy Hiding in public space Knowing you are always there Knowing I am never safe Screaming inside
6.
Haunted 03:31
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Sleepless nights Cradle me As I am left to remember Raped by dreams Assaulted by the ghost I left behind Now I am haunted By the memories that you left me And the good ones hurt the most I know I hold them all alone It’s those that keep me grieving And I’m still haunted By the feelings that you gave me And the lies cascade over From then till forever Wreckage of my… Joyous days A genuine warmth With a person who cared Haunted by the fear That this is something I never had And may never find again Through all the years Of perilous wonders We reached so far I even thought we would fly But when we leapt from the tallest building You let me go And I hit the ground alone And the only words you spoke “I wish I never tried” And I am haunted By the memories that I hold dear I have few before you I’ve none ever since I am a remnant of a time long dead I remain haunted By the words that I believed And regret is my shadow Trust is a stranger Haunted by the ghost of a friend
7.
id 01:30
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The dreams are changing day by day Where once was hate, now is grief You still have the face of my best friend And I guess it was hard to see someone who used to be dear to me suffering And it’s hard to accept (Hard to accept) Sometimes I wake up, and I’m holding my heart (I almost grasp) A small piece of the past, and I long to return (Return to you) Could you conceive of the fear? Could you conceive of the love? (That would take me) A long talk with my shadows; I’m afraid Even my id loved you, even my id loved you Perfectly imperfect, I admit to myself If there was never love, I have never loved If there’s an ounce of hope, than I have to try Reaching for the phone, I nearly cry I still miss you I still love you My dearest friend…
8.
Death Throes 05:49
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As we walk alone In the cold, few words spoken I see you on the outside.. I want to bring you in again I want to be a place of comfort Not fear…. There’s still love In these bones There’s still time There’s still hope I will try Until my death throes Until there’s no chance that I’ll survive I’ll be trying to mend this collapse The past still casts shadows today I know you feel it too I feel it on you And I’m drowning in the uncertainty But there has been so much good between us And it mean so much more Than anything That could threaten my love You are my best friend Not just then But in this life Even if we cut ties That thread is still tied around My heart And it will give me warmth or It will burn But I will always care for you My dearest friend I see a future that looks like our memories I’m trying to reach but I’m so afraid of pushing you away If you will it, I would disappear To dark from which I came But if you will it, I will love you With everything There’s still love In these bones There’s still time There’s still hope I will try Until my death throes Until there’s no chance that I’ll survive I’ll be fighting to fix this collapse There’s still love In this husk I am trying I am trying These are my death throes Let them reach you My dearest darkest friend Let them reach you…
9.
Bones 02:21
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I was so filled with hope when you spoke to me and said You felt the same You felt the same way And I... truly thought... We would end up together You reassured me This longing was mutual And I felt… The fatal weight of fear Lifted Then comes the silence and I’m fine for a day But many weeks before I’d hear a word Anxiety becomes my marrow Paranoia flows through my veins All my bones are shaking in my skin And that heart that I cast out, is beating so loud It’s deafening, because I know you’ve deceived me before But I choose… to trust… again… Don’t go back on these words… You felt the same You felt the same way And I... truly thought we would walk away Side by side Have you ever spoken to me from your heart Or is every single word a mistake to regret Something to go back on Because I want to believe that there’s truth in your words And there’s hope in that truth That these bleak days will end in time We’re running out of time… And as I rock back and forth in silence The doubt is deafening Vast apprehension threatens to swallow me My brain is screaming in terror These things still outweighed by the love I have for you, I suppress the cacophony My skeleton stands at the ready Prepared to show you only kindness
10.
Hope's Quietus 03:56
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It’s surreal To finally see you again The road was long My dearest friend I bring my hands out My guard down My hope strong I let my fear go Where I can’t see So I can look at you clearly I push the pain and the trauma down I only want goodness I fill my mind with the memories Of our beautiful life Breathe in Breathe out You need to know… Even after everything… I still choose you My greatest Fear You chose someone else And a drug
11.
Memento 02:42
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I’ll never forget the first time I approached you “Death and Dying” at 11, my heart set on a friend And fast friends we were, a connection so deep That the ocean turned away in jealousy, always you and I I truly believed we were destined a pair until You tore out Not just my heart but the brain and the wiring A helpless machine with a song on repeat Flashbacks and nightmares an absence of hope You leave these, as your memento Memories in scrambles they play One after one, much more than images I slam my head to the wall, alone Afraid, a slave to your memento Still I can’t put into words How much you meant to me, would you believe If I said that every single memory is as vivid As a near death experience Or a melody that you find yourself humming unconsciously Because when I see you smiling I smile unconsciously… And then I remember You are gone and dead from me I’ve nothing but ghosts of failure Nothing but arms once loving that drag me so low Your memento The saddest moments I have in my life Are recalling the happiest with you The saddest moments occur by the hour Your memento 5 cherished years weren’t enough Your memento
12.
Infernal 02:34
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Infernal Is my soul Now Grief Hatred Is this a curse? Or the new normal? When I don’t stand on darkness I’m drowning in regret The only calm Is to be numb Could I give my soul away Could I make a difference Could I gain the power To create something else Maybe I could save you Maybe I wouldn’t have ever tried Maybe I could have seen that you’d Always plant that knife in me I could force a future Ensure that infantile star But with the power of the archfiend I only know There would be blood Innocent blood All on me As it streams From the rivers of angels For the sake of a fantasy To escape my grief And after years of mourning These stages, I can’t complete I circle back around because Hatred hurts less than grief Though tempted I will abstain The deal in fire would only serve Extinguishing the only chance at something real after all
13.
Dirge 07:53
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We were so close to love To finding Our way back home And in that moment So fragile We choked Never thinking what we had would end You were my best friend And will I still think of you When I’m on my death bed Will I still be haunted by your ghost Will my brain still be screaming on the inside And will I have cried? Will I still be dreaming of our adventures And of the days you served me tea In your home How many times we nearly died together It took your heart for me to feel alive I didn’t know at the time… Will I yearn for a closure never achieved? Or will I wish For one more chance To go back, and do it all again Maybe this time, we could really fly Or are we destined to fail? Are we destined a pain that we cannot bear? But I promise the love I felt for you Was stronger than that Oh why… did it end this way Will I look back, with nothing but regret? All I know is now Right now I still care And I still miss you I’m still hurting And what you’ve done to me May never, never heal But my heart is beating out of time Without you in my life And in hate In grief In mourning In love I return to the dark from whence I came And I lay down in a shallow grave Construct a case of metal, hate, and grief But a hope, as faint as a dying star That one might dig me up

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released December 21, 2021

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Lycopene Mount Airy, Maryland

Combining New Age instrumentation and sensibilities with Metal, Punk, and Rock structure to create Post-Age music.

You can use my music as long as you contact me and ask permission first.

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